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i really just want to stop eating altogether. i feel like a cow and i can't stand it and i come home and cry because even though he might like me and the way i look, i still feel inadequate.

i dont want to go to work tomorrow, i just want to sleep. but i have to... there are about 10 cakes waiting for me inside a freezer that is so packed you can't even get the ladder in it anymore...

and who thought that box of cheesecakes hitting me in the face today would jolt something back into place? all i got was a headache

oh fuck...

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[ mood|
euh... ]

i really have to stop just eating junk all day long... i'm just constantly eating chocolate and candy. i blended up a peach mango smoothie (more like a puree) today so i'll be drinking that but other than that i hate eating healthy food--they have like no calories and fill me up too much which would be good if i was trying to lose weight but i'm not really

oh blah...
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[ mood|
hmm.. ]

i bet he's not even aware that today is our 1 month anniversary
we both have to work [at BJs] tonight so seeing for more than 5 minutes at a time is out..
i'm makin him brownies tomorrow and i am so excited about valentines day

i've already got it planned out. it's on a tuesday so, again, we will both be working
but the day after i am going to make him dinner and dessert
chicken dumpling stew (which my whole family loves--or atleast corey does)
and banana cream pie (and probably chocolate cream pie)

i had a dream last night that we were already up on the camping trip and it was so great
now all i want is to go
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[ mood|
yay ]

i adore him
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i'm fat and ugly and disgusting and worthless
and just a huge waste of space
whats the point
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[ mood|
confused ]

okay so.. i dunno i think i'm just a little confused. last night was great of course, how could it not be when it involves Dean.. but we were talking about dinner on friday night and he [jokingly] said something like "its a good thing you're not this picky about your boyfriends" and it bothered me for the rest of the night

i think we came to the conclusion that we are "quite a pair, with confidance and self-esteem issues, both of us" but it still bothered me and i think now i know why. i think it's because it kinda shocked me that he doesn't think as highly of himself as i think of him, y'know? i mean i could tell him what i say to everyone else.. that he's gorgeous and he's sweet and smart and hot and every minute he's not around i think about him and miss him and being around him no matter what we're doing just makes me so happy (but seriously what sane person would tell that to a guy they havne't been dating for even a month? i dont want to freak him out and scare him away--but at the same time it'd be nice to know if he felt the same) so i'm not gonna tell him all that. not yet anyway.

i just kept saying like "i don't understand where that comes from" and we both made jokes about how we are bad kissers but it's not like either of us have had any practice (i still love it though). i was just thinkin about it all night and i guess i can understand because people say that to me all the time especially stephanie--that they don't understand how i can think so poorly of myself.

i guess it just comes down to i still don't quite get where the low confidence comes from for a guy as great as him. but anyway... now on to the exciting news! i just booked a camping trip for the beginning of june and i actually managed to get site 12 (electric right in front! 12 is my favorite site ever) so now i'm totally excited and can't wait to go

i really will be counting the days.
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so how slow am i that i've known stephanie for how long and i just figured out yesterday that the numbers on her screen name stand for her birthday. way to go *big L on forehead*

i worked last night and it was okay because there wasn't much to do so we weren't in a hurry or anything but then cathy left at 7 and i was there til 8 just standing around doing nothing. i had a deck of cards with me but i was too scared that i would bring them out and then a manager would walk by and yell at me.

in a little bit i'm running out to the hallmark store because the one in Tops plaza was a bust. i hope they don't give me a hard time like they did last time. that lady was a bitch. i feel like i really should just spend my money online for the stuff i know i want, but i have a coupon for hallmark.

anyway i'm sure anyone cares.. i'm sure i've only got like maybe 2 friends left...

kinda fun survey under hereCollapse )
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[ mood|
dorky ]

i feel so weird when i think about how i have a boyfriend. that word is so foreign to me i think.

last week when we were grocery shopping we ran into my aunt michelle and she started gushing about how hot Dean is. i think the only thing i kept saying was "i know!!" lol alright i'll shut up

i have to work tonight and i don't know what to eat i don't want to have a stomach ache at work especially because now the bathroom is literally on the other side of the store which is like a 3 minute walk. Cathy is supposed to be there with me tonight and i hope they didn't mess with the schedule because it will be fun to spend the night working with her.

i'm disappointed that i bought a "previously watched" Dvd of Wimbledon from Wegmans like months ago and just watched the dvd for the first time last night with Dean and at the end of the movie the dvd screws up and freezes, gets all boxy and you have to keep hitting forward-play-forward-play to get through the messed up part. now i have to spend another $20 to get a new copy.

if you haven't seen that movie you must. so good (and only 90 min). ok i admit it. i like kirsten dunst.. but only as an actress... there i said it. off to the kitchen to dull my shame [jk]
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today was not a very good day... i just feel fat and gross and now my head is killing me

as always, the only good part was Dean coming over. we watched Serenity and i am so glad i didn't see it at the theater because it sucked. unfortunately i have lost my faith in Joss's ability to make a movie. i guess he should just stick to hour-tv-shows. there were funny lines like always which was great but sadly by the end of the 2 hours i still had no clue what was going on or what had happened or what the movie was even about. i think he tried to cover too much in 2 hours that made it seem so much longer, but i can kinda understand wanting to tie up the loose ends since it was basically the final end for Firefly.

well i should get my exercise done and get to bed. work tomorrow and the stress of trying to find my way to Dean's house without getting lost.

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